


Birthdays Are Rated

by Reyn



Category: Young Justice (Cartoon)
Genre: Birthday Party, Gen, Humor, Team Bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-11
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-12-26 10:55:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12057510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reyn/pseuds/Reyn
Summary: After trying to impress upon Superboy the importance of birthdays, Robin makes the mistake of revealing that he has no love for his own, something that doesn't sit well with Kid Flash at all.





	Birthdays Are Rated

Trying to explain the importance of birthdays to Superboy was tiring and troublesome. In the end, Wally dumped the task on Robin's shoulders and continued on with posting flyers – each one different from the next – that reminded everyone of his upcoming birthday in three months.

"No, really. They're a big deal in most cultures," Robin stressed as they trailed behind Wally, who was only using a fraction of his super speed now that he had friends in tow.

"It can't be that big of a deal if he doesn't even know how old he's turning," Superboy pointed out as they approached the next poster which had the number '15' crossed out and replaced with a red '16.'

"I'll have you know that I recycled that one from last year!" Wally's finger was in Superboy's face before either registered his abrupt presence.

Superboy scowled and blinked, making no move to step back. "So…humans have a sentimental obsession with aging."

Robin and Wally exchanged glances, a bit surprised that the clone was actually trying to make sense of it all rather than the usual turning around and walking away tactic he liked to employ.

"I guess that's one way of putting it," Wally admitted reluctantly.

"Tch, you guys are looking at it all wrong," Robin stated in the self-righteous manner that never failed to remind everyone in the most annoying of ways that he was Batman's protégé. "It's about a celebration of  _life_! You started  _living_  on the day you were born. Why  _wouldn't_  you be excited when that day rolls around again, if only to shout to the world, 'I did it! I survived another year!'?"

Wally, who wasn't buying the spiel for a second, chanced a look at Superboy who actually seemed intrigued and impressed by Robin's explanation. He immediately hopped on the bandwagon.

"That's right! I've been alive for almost  _sixteen years_! It's mind-boggling just how much more knowledge my brain holds than poor Robin here, who's only been around for thirteen."

Wally failed to realize his faux pas until he noticed Superboy's mouth falling into the temperamental scowl that indicated a line somewhere had been crossed.

"Are you calling me stup-?"

"I'm fourteen."

Both of the older teens blinked as Robin successfully diverted their attention.

Being the strong believer in clarification that he was, Wally asked, "What?"

"I'm fourteen." Annoyance colored Robin's tone as he repeated himself.

Wally's blank stare was a sure sign that information had stopped processing. "No, you're not. You're thirteen."

If Robin's eyes were visible, he would have rolled them. As it was, he settled for crossing his arms. "I think I would know my own age."

"So…what?" Wally sputtered. "You were lying when you told me you were thirteen?"

Robin had the gall to laugh. "Dude, that was months ago. You didn't expect me to stay thirteen forever, did you?"

Wally frowned and punched his friend in the arm. Hard. "No, I expected you to tell us when your birthday hit, you dick."

Rubbing the now-sore arm, Robin's sunglasses flashed under the hall's florescent lights as he glared up at Wally.

"Let me get this straight," Superboy interrupted, finally ready to put himself back in the conversation. "You're telling me that birthdays are important and deserve to be celebrated, and yet you let yours pass without notice. Doesn't that make you a hypocrite?"

Wally's head nodded eagerly in agreement.

"I wouldn't take it that far…" Robin admitted, his glare lessening to a petulant frown. "I'd say I'm more of a crite than a  _hypo_ crite, you know? Just because I didn't tell you guys doesn't mean I didn't celebrate it."

"That's even worse!" Wally cried, his arms falling limply at his sides in disbelief. He quickly recovered and jabbed a finger at Robin's chest. "And having a slice of cake in the Batcave after a mission doesn't count as a celebration! Don't you give me that look. I've heard rumors about now not-fun Batman is."

Robin batted the offending digit away, completely affronted on his mentor's behalf. "It wasn't like that!" It actually was for one year, but those were extenuating circumstances.

"Whatever," Wally scoffed, stepping around his friend and carefully pulling the birthday flyer down from the wall.

"What are you doing?" Robin asked, brows drawn in as he watched Wally roll up the poster.

"I'm taking these down. I don't feel like being excited for  _my_ birthday anymore." With that, Wally's super speed kicked in and he raced up the hall, undecorating the walls. In under two seconds he was back. "And for the record, I'm telling Megan." And then he was gone again.

Robin's eyebrows shot up as he realized just what that implied. A large hand was placed on his shoulder and he looked up to see Superboy gazing at him with warm sympathy.

"I'm sorry," the seemingly older teen said with absolute sincerity. "The guilt you'll feel when she finds out that you never told us when your birthday was will be soul crushing."

Robin scowled and brushed the hand off of him. He knew better than to say anything because Superboy was talking from firsthand experience. So instead he just walked away.

+

"Alright, spill."

If it weren't for the five-point belt restraint, Robin would have slouched in his seat. Leave it to Batman to wait until they were done patrolling and trapped in a vehicle together flying miles above any form of distraction before interrogating his sidekick.

"Spill what? It's nothing," Robin bit out stubbornly, ignoring how self-incriminating he sounded.

Batman's cloaked shoulders rose and fell. "Okay."

Robin, always on the lookout for underhanded interrogation techniques, spotted this one in an instant. Refusing to give in, he crossed his arms and stubbornly turned his attention to the clouds that swiftly passed by.

 

It took him two weeks to snap.

 

"'Okay?' Just 'okay?' I could be suffering from some life or death dilemma and all you have to say is 'okay!'"

Bruce Wayne blinked in surprise as his adopted son's head appeared out of nowhere and blocked his view of the TV.

"…Alright." Bruce muted the news report when Dick's glare refused to lessen and set the remote aside. Clasping his hands, he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. "Is this about a girl?"

"No!" Dick denied vehemently, looking thoroughly disgusted by the notion.

"A boy?"

The look transformed into mortification. "What?  _No!_  Bruce!"

The billionaire took a moment to try and remember what it was like to be a teenager. What other instances would qualify as a matter of life and death to a mind so young? When nothing outside of romance came to mind, he gave up.

"What is it?" he asked.

Dick hesitated. It was an unspoken rule that superheroic matters were not discussed outside of costume or the Batcave. With a frustrated growl, he grabbed his mentor by the wrist and dragged him up off the couch and to the secret entrance behind the grandfather clock. He refused to let go until they reached the bottommost step and were well within Batman's own little Fortress of Solitude.

"They want to know when my birthday is!" he finally exploded, the weight of the admittance causing his body to deflate slightly.

Bruce, just like Kid Flash, was a firm believer in clarification. "What?"

Dick ran an agitated hand through his hair. "They want to throw me a birthday party!"

"Who?" Bruce's eyes narrowed. Now that the boy finally felt like talking, he certainly wasn't spilling concise answers fast enough.

"Young Justice!"

Despite the clarification, Bruce still failed to see why the boy was so… _over_ whelmed. "So?"

Dick's jaw dropped in disbelief before launching into a long rant (or explanation, depending on who was asked) as to why this was so wrong.

For some reason, Kid Flash's birthday was involved, as was M'Gann's sad eyes and offers to at least bake him a cake. And then Artemis was in on it as well because she had nothing better to do. The worst of it all was Superboy's sympathetic gaze ("He's been alive for less than a year! He's not allowed to feel sorry for me for any reason whatsoever! I don't  _care_  how much the guilt is crushing my soul!") and to top it all off, Kid Flash wouldn't even talk to him anymore because his butt apparently hurt.

Ignoring that last tidbit of information because it did nothing more than confuse him, Bruce sorted through the facts and came to an obvious conclusion. "Then just let them throw you a birthday party."

"Bruce!" Dick whined in the way only a teenager could achieve. "You're missing the point!"

Bruce sighed, unable to believe that Dick's first bout of childish drama was being stirred up over something so mundane. "Then what  _is_  the point?" he asked.

Dick spread his arms out as he launched into his explanation. "A birthday would destroy the mysteriousness that surrounds all that is Batman and Robin! We are what criminals fear in the night. If word gets out that Robin had a  _birthday_  party, how will villains take me seriously?"

Bruce frowned. Mysteriousness. Right. He  _knew_  Dick had been too happy when presented with the sunglasses that would help keep his identity hidden when not in uniform.

"You're getting way too into this," Bruce stated wearily as he turned and headed back up the stairs. "Just let your friends throw you a party. Think of it as a team building exercise."

Dick's eyes widened. Team building! It hadn't occurred to him to look at it that way! He immediately brightened.

"Plus it'll be fun," Bruce added, his voice hollowed out as it echoed down into the cave.

Dick's face fell.

+

Robin was not having fun.

The events leading up to the birthday party had quickly escalated from an annoyance to being a downright nightmare. Artemis had put herself in charge of party decorations and made it her personal mission to find out anything and everything about Robin. His likes, his dislikes, what music he listened to, bands he liked, celebrity crushes, books he read, TV shows he watched, none of which was information he was willing to give.

Their frustrations came to a head over Robin's favorite color of all things. After being refused even that little tidbit, Artemis threatened to decorate the cave in nothing but black to make everyone feel like they were attending a funeral instead of a birthday party. Robin dared her to make it a promise.

Someone, probably Aqualad, had apparently managed to talk to Artemis and calmed her down enough to not see her words through to the end. But judging from the bright pink, yellow, and orange décor, she was still plenty pissed. Robin would have been regretful but his eyes were too busy bleeding from the spite.

The cake was a questionable affair. M'Gann had spent weeks trying to perfect the recipe and last Robin and checked, she was still struggling to find the balance between burning and concaving. Rumor had it she had achieved something passable just the night before, but Robin wouldn't know. He had been too busy goofing off with the rest of the guys when one of them accidentally fell against the island in the middle of the kitchen (or on it, whatever). The result had immediately been dubbed 'A Martian Meltdown' and came complete with flying butcher knives that had been aimed at essential appendages.

Robin didn't want to eat his slice of the cake. M'Gann had bags under her eyes from staying up all night trying to bake a new cake and her exhausted smile made her look slightly psychotic. It was entirely plausible that Artemis suggested she slip a bit of poison into the batter for revenge and for M'Gann to have actually taken the advice to heart. Not wanting to risk death because his teammates were holding grudges, Robin settled for just eating the frosting.

Wally was in charge of games. He knew better than to pry Robin for information and took the safe route of organizing party games from childhoods' past. Even Robin had to admit it was an excellent idea. In theory.

Pin the Tail on the Donkey resulted in a hole in the wall, followed by a fist in the wall when Superboy realized just how far off from the target he really was. Ring Toss was far too easy for everyone except Wally, who took to cheating until Robin stuck his foot out to trip him on his way to the pegs.

Twister, in Robin's humble opinion, was nothing short of aster. He beat everyone hands down every round until it was voted he sit out for the last game to give the others a chance. Watching everyone get embarrassed over the compromising positions they constantly wound up in made it well worth it and he made sure to take plenty of photos for blackmail material later on.

The piñata, however, was a bad idea. It took two broken lights, a dented wall, three bashed in pieces of furniture, and one black eye before Red Tornado finally came in to see just what on earth everyone was up to. Upon taking one long look around, he promptly confiscated the stick and silently walked out. After that, everyone agreed that maybe it was just time to move onto the presents.

They left the piñata hanging where it was seeing as how it was the only thing in the room that was still intact.

The gifts were turning out much better than Robin had planned on giving his teammates credit for. Artemis bought him a shirt that actually fit his style. Kaldur gave him a rather large aquarium filled with fish and plants that were native only to Atlantis. And M'Gann had given him…

"A razor."

"An  _electric_  razor!" the Martian corrected happily. "I did some research and learned that as human males go through puberty, they start to grow body hair and use things like these to remove it from their faces. I figured a practical item like this would be most useful to you in the long run, don't you agree?"

Staying true to his self-declared status of best friend, Wally made no attempt to hide his bark of laughter at the disgruntled glare Robin aimed at the razor. It took him several long seconds to remember his other self-declared status of God's gift to women and even then it still took a tremendous amount of effort on his part to stop laughing and get up off the floor in order to send M'Gann a reassuring smile.

"I…don't understand." M'Gann sent a confused look from Wally to Robin. "Do you not like it?"

"No, no, he likes it." Wally wiped a tear from the corner of his eye. "Your gift is just a few years too early. Give or take, you know, about six or seven years."

Robin's annoyed stare darkened at Kaldur's amused cough, which naturally only encouraged Wally's grin to reach the level known as 'shit-eating'.

Oblivious to whatever joke was being made at the birthday boy's expense, Superboy stood from his corner of the couch and stepped forward to hand over his present.

"Happy Pretend Birthday," he mumbled as he sat back down.

Robin eyed the present suspiciously. It felt like a picture frame, which was odd enough in itself since he didn't exactly peg Superboy as the sentimental type. Not only that, but the only cameras that were ever present in the cave aside from those on cell phones were the surveillance cams, which Robin regularly hacked to play whatever movie fit his mood at the moment. Currently, the Justice League was being treated to the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Or more specifically, the climactic scene just before the end of the movie. On an endless loop.

Ripping open the wrapping paper, Robin's jaw dropped. It was a photo of him and Batman perched on one of the lower ledges of Gotham's courthouse, watching over the publicized entrance of some criminal's trial. Robin couldn't recall whose exactly it was, but he did remember the events surrounding it.

They had rushed over after a scuffle with one of the local gangs, the fight which had earned the Boy Wonder a bloody lip. The photographer had caught him in the midst of wiping it clean with the back of his hand as he glared at the crowd below. Batman's attention, however, wasn't on the proceedings, and instead was focused on his young partner. The hard line of his mouth was gone, replaced with a barely there smile that Robin had come to recognize as pride. Sure, he had seen the look before on the rare occasion, but to have it captured forever like this…

"Where…?" he cleared his throat and tried again. "Where did you get this?"

Superboy shrugged as if it were no big deal. "I asked Superman."

Everyone stared.

When it became clear he wasn't about to elaborate, Wally sought clarification. "What?"

Ducking his head, Superboy did his best to hide the pleased smile that was tugging at the corners of his lips. "I wasn't sure what to get you, and since you were snapping at anyone who tried to get your input directly," a less-than-discreet glance was shot towards Artemis, "I decided to ask someone else who might have known you well enough to give me some ideas."

"Dude! Why didn't you ask me?" Wally demanded, leaning so far forward in his chair that his knuckles were dragging on the ground.

"Some  _good_  ideas," Superboy amended, his eyes narrowing.

Wally's mouth fell open before he abruptly straightened, crossed his arms, and stubbornly turned to stare at the wall.

Ignoring his friend, Robin kept his attention on Superboy. "And Superman responded? That's great! Was this one of his ideas?"

Superboy merely blinked. "It was his only idea."

The ensuing silence was broken by Robin's chuckle before it had a chance to feel too awkward. "You two definitely share the same DNA." He gently set the photo on the coffee table. "Okay, KF, I saved the best for last. What'd you get me?"

Wally, who wasn't quite done with his sulking, scoffed. "You didn't even want this party in the first place. What makes you think I got you anything?"

"Uh, the fact that you came up to me yesterday and said, 'Hey  _Rob_! You're seriously going to  _love_  what I'm getting you for your  _un_ birthday. I can say with the  _utmost confidence_  that it'll be the  _best_  present out of all of them, so be sure to save it for last!'" Robin's tone failed to match the implied excitement levels he was quoting by quite the long shot.

Taking in the unhappy looks the rest of his friends were giving him, Wally directed his attention back to his new friend, the wall. "I don't know what you're talking about. Obviously I was lying."

Robin's face fell into a deadpanned glare. "Gimme," he demanded, hand held out before him.

Quick to waver, Wally sent an unsure glance at the picture frame before dragging himself out of his chair and reached into his back pocket. "Man…" A slightly bent envelope was produced and slapped into Robin's outstretched palm. "Happy Birthday, I guess."

Smirking in both triumph and thanks, Robin opened the envelope and paused long enough to give the cover of the card an appreciative stare. He let out a low whistle. "Please tell me this isn't one of those lame gag cards and you actually got me  _her_  for my birthday."

Both Kaldur and Superboy immediately leaned in for a better look.

"Men," Artemis scoffed, her disgusted tone causing all the males to look at least somewhat abashed.

"If you seriously need  _my_  help to hook up with babes like that, you're more of a lost cause than I ever would have imagined accusing you of," Wally stated, hands held up to show he meant no offense.

Robin laughed. "Yeah…I'm still waiting for you to realize that I'm out to cramp your style more than help it." Ignoring any stuttering comeback Wally was trying to form, he opened the card and looked down as two slips of paper fell into his lap.

"Two gift certificates to laser tag?" Artemis read aloud as she leaned passed Robin's shoulder for a better look. "Wow. That's pretty…"

"Lame?" Wally supplied, crestfallen as he continued to stare forlornly at the photo amidst the small pile of open presents.

A teasing smile curled on Artemis' lips. "I was going for 'gay', but lame works, too."

"What exactly  _is_  laser tag?" Kaldur asked, looking just as clueless as the rest of the not-quite humanoids in the room.

"Only the most awesome game in the world!" Wally exploded, his blush fading. "It employs both stealth  _and_  speed! Something that Rob and I can go head-to-head with! And it is  _not_  lame  _or_  gay! Your face is lame and gay!"

Artemis' eyes narrowed. "Don't you think it's a bit childish, seeing as how it's a game loosely based on what we do for a living?"

"I get the feeling my question hasn't quite been answered," Kaldur threw out to no one in particular.

"I think it's another one of those things that Wally strongly believes in and has Robin's support despite not necessarily feeling the same way," Superboy guess, his brow furrowed as he observed the scene before him.

Wally's jaw dropped and he turned his attention to his best friend, his gaze both pleading and accusatory. "Please tell me Supey's an idiot and doesn't know what he's talking about and that you love my gift the most."

A tense silence followed.

"Dude." Robin held up the two tickets, a mischievous smirk taking over his features. "You're totally going down."

+

"How did it go?"

Dick paused in his struggle to push the ridiculously heavy aquarium into the Batcave's service elevator long enough to send his mentor a glare. His pride refused to let him admit that he actually had a decent time despite the amount of complaining he had done in the weeks leading up to the party. But then Bruce turned his head away from whatever bit of evidence he had been examining and actually looked at his young protégé.

And Dick folded like a bad hand in Poker.

"It was fine," he forced out through gritted teeth, returning to his task of trying to convince Aqualad's gift that its wheel wasn't stuck in the stupid crack just before the elevator doors that Bruce still had yet to get around to fixing.

"Really?" Bruce stood and casually walked over. "I was honestly expecting you to deploy the emergency signal just to get out of it. I even left my phone out on the table during my date, ready to come to your rescue."

Dick's foot slipped in his strain and he let out a frustrated growl. "Alright! Fine! I had a blast!" He turned and jammed his shoulder into the tank, finally getting it to move, only for the back wheels to fall into the same trap. "The cave was decorated, the icing was delicious, and we played childish party games and I had fun doing it! There! Happy? Is that what you want from me?"

"For you to have a good time?" Bruce shrugged, his eyes on the exotic fish that all seemed to be staring at his adopted son as if wondering just what it was the boy was trying to do. "I guess you could say that's what I was going for, yeah."

Exertion had Dick staring at the floor for a long moment, his breath coming out in uneven pants. When he finally did look up, his eyes were narrowed. "You're a jerk."

A smile bloomed on Bruce's face and he held his arms out in a gesture meant to encompass all of the Batcave. "Whatever it takes to get results," he announced.

"Yeah, yeah. Are you going to help me get this thing upstairs, or is it doomed to become a permanent fixture down here like that dinosaur of yours?"

With a low chuckle, Bruce stepped forward and dislodged the aquarium with ease. After pushing it fully into the elevator, he turned and waited for Dick to hit the button that would take them up to the mansion.

"So, any plans for this weekend?"

Dick offered a half-shrug, accepting the change in subject as he abruptly forgot about any anger he held towards his father figure. "I have a laser tag date with Wally on Saturday provided we aren't assigned to any missions."

Bruce blinked and turned to look at Dick in mild surprise as the lift's doors slid shut. "So it  _was_  about a boy!"

" _Bruce!_ "

**THE END.**


End file.
